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Pokernight Fairytale

To: poker-night
From: electroblake
Subject: Pokernight Fairytale
Date: Thu, 16 Aug 2007 19:45:54 -0400

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there was an office supply
store. It was a magic office supply store, filled with enchanted
staplers and prescient post it notes. If you put one of the post it
notes on the fridge, for example, a shopping list for the food items
you were about to run out of would magically appear. A post it note
on your phone would display the number of the girl who’s call you
were just about to miss. And the staplers were enchanted by demons
and if you tried to use one to say, attach three sheets of paper
together the papers would instantly be transported into the nether-
world in a brief phosphorescent flash accompanied by the demonic
screeching laughter of zombie hyenas.

Nobody liked the magic office supply store. It was creepy, so they
all just went to Staples whenever they needed to buy filing folders
that wouldn’t stain their files with human blood or paperclips that
call fourth the lord satan every time you bent one slightly out of

The thing was, nobody in the land far far away had an office job.
They all worked in coffee houses and french bistros. There were a
few people who worked at the roller rink. And sure, even roller
rinks and coffee houses need to buy staplers every once in a while,
and so the staples store was able to stay in business for a little
while, but eventually the owners of the store got tired of it and
shut it down and turned it into a competing roller rink.

At first the people of the land far far away were ecstatic to have
another roller rink in town, because everyone thought that the first
roller rink got a little too crowded on saturday nights and some of
them thought that the first roller rink played “limbo” far too often
and “hokey pokey” not often enough (though others thought that they
played “hokey pokey” far to often and “limbo” not often enough) and
thus the town was rapidly torn into two factions. The first roller
rink started playing “limbo” more and more often as the second roller
rink specialized in “hokey pokey” and before you knew it it was
nothing but free skate and “limbo” at the first and nothing but free
skate and “hokey pokey” at the second.

Roller gangs formed shortly thereafter, along with the gang violence
that is to be expected. Eventually it got to be so bad that the
citizens of the land far far away decided that they needed to form a
system of government that could run a law enforcement system to keep
the two factions from fighting.

At first there was some level of success, but for every incident of
roller gang violence the new police department had to open a new
case, and cases involve files, and they needed some way of keeping
documents for one case separate from documents from another case.
Having no other options, the police were forced to buy a stapler, a
box of staples, a filing cabinet, some file folders, and a word
processor from the magic office supply store. Before anyone knew
what was happening, the town was invaded by witches. Then the
zombies came and waged war against the witches. The town was forced
to form a militia to protect its citizens from the invading forces.
This requires another word processor, some paper clips, and ever more
file folders. Soon yak blood was pouring out of every fountain in
the land, frogs were raining from the sky, cats and dogs were living
together, and the lord satan himself started showing up for “hokey
pokey” at the second roller rink.

Of course, blood in the fountains and dead frogs in the streets
required the formation of a public works department. This required
yet another word processor, more staplers and staples, file folders
galore, a case of post it notes, and a set of stamps that stamped out
the words “approved” or “denied” or “canceled”. Soon the sky
blackened. Young babies began reciting Led Zeppelin lyrics, and all
the cats mysteriously disappeared.

The blackened sky put a tax on the towns meager power generation
facilities and a new public works project had to be formed to build a
large nuclear power plant and an electric light bulb factory. Bids
for construction were solicited from local contractors. Even more
file folders were required. The people of the land far far away
begged their elected officials to not buy the file folders from the
magic office supply store, but the officials said they had no other
choice. Then a young boy asked why they didn’t just ask the owner of
the “hokey pokey” roller rink to re-open his staples franchise? The
officials considered this, and decided it was worth a shot, but when
they approached the second roller rink they found that the lord satan
had bought the building from the original owners and refused to do
anything to help the poor townspeople, laughing and spitting fire and
brimstone as he told the people they would have no other choice but
to buy their file folders from the magic office supply store.

And so they did.

And they all turned into toads.

Except for a few of them.

They were gone that night, because they had been at

at Dangerhouse
“first hand at nine”

dangerhouse is XX xxxxxxxxx xx. #X in succulent somerville, ma

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