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The Unbearable Likeness of Pokernight

To: poker-night
From: electroblake
Subject: The Unbearable Likeness of Pokernight
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2007 20:43:35 -0400

Fredrickson the Hermit Crab was unhappy. His shell was much too
small. Geoff the hermit crab, who lived in the neighborhood, had a
much bigger shell, which Fredrickson thought was not fair at all
because Geoff was a much smaller hermit crab. Fredrickson was pretty
sure he could win a fight with Geoff, but he was a little shy and
liked to think the ladies admired him for his sensitivity (they did
not) so he couldn’t just go and beat Geoff up and take his shell.
Fredrickson spend his days dreaming about how luxurious it would be
to have a shell like Geoff’s. He’d totally pimp it out with spinners
and some sex lights, he’d get a wicked paint job with flames and
maybe some racing stripes to show how fast he was. Fredrickson
loathed how Geoff just sat there in his big shell all day not doing
anything cool with it. He would tell his friends how much of a
momma’s boy Geoff was for not being more cool about that pimp ass
shell and how if he had a shell like that he’d totally show Geoff
what it was all about when it came to doing cool things with your
pimp ass shell if you were not a little girl who has asthma at heart.

Fredrickson did not do anything cool with his own shell, mind you.
What was the point? It was so medium sized that if he put spinners
and sex lights on it all the ladies would just know, deep down, that
all he was doing was trying to compensate for not having a big shell
like Geoff’s. He just knew that the best thing for him to do in his
situation was to lay low, and wait for the day when his shell would
come in. He didn’t make any concrete plans about what he would do
with the big shell when he got it, someday, nor did he save any money
to buy the spinners and sex lights with. If he did that it would be
just like admitting to all the ladies that his shell was too small
for any lady to find attractive, in a sexual sort of way. Best to
play it off like it didn’t matter. At least, that’s what he did at
the clubs and at the bar. If Fredrickson ever managed to actually
bring a lady home from the club suddenly all he could talk about
would be the big shell, how much more of a man he would be if he just
had a big shell like Geoff, how that girly boy didn’t even realize
how lucky he was to have such a big shell. How it was so stupid
that a little wimpy hermit crab like Geoff should have such a nice
big shell when big strong manly Fredrickson had to suffer with his
shell that reminded him of a woman’s shell because it was so small.

Often this sort of thing turned the ladies off like like a fat man
turning off Jane Fonda. Fredrickson knew this was because they all
thought his shell was too small and he would usually wile away the
night drinking himself into a stupor and cursing the name of Geoff
the Hermit Crab.

One day Fredrickson went insane and bought a gun. He used the gun to
shoot Geoff seven times in the face. Fredrickson had thought that
once Geoff was dead he would be able to take that lovely beautiful
big shell and claim it as his own, but the sixth bullet pierced right
though the back of Geoff’s chitenous back head covering and tore
through the shell he so covetted. The shell shattered into seventeen
pieces, with Geoff’s half dead ugly hermit crab body writhing all
about the wreckage. The shell was ruined. Geoff was dead.
Fredrickson was decimated. That’s when Fredrickson became an
outlaw. He’s spent the rest of his days hiding out in the desert,
wielding his empty glock at anything that moves. He often yells
obscenities at the moon, but the moon doesn’t seem to care. This
just incites Fredrickson further and sometimes he gets himself worked
up into such a rage that he passes out. When he wakes up, usually he
wishes that he’d just become a gambler, and won the money for a new
shell at

Pokernight,
tonight!
at
Dangerhouse!

“first hand at nine”

dangerhouse is and forever shall be XX xxxxxxxxx xx. #X somerville ma

dangerhouse needs women. do you know a dangerous female who needs
housing? Let us know!

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