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Young Vladimir, Pokernight Enthusiast

To: poker-night
From: electroblake
Subject: Young Vladimir, Pokernight Enthusiast
Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2007 20:52:45 -0400

Young Vladimir was the first octopus in his class to win the world
series poker championship. No, wait, he was the only octopus in his
class to win the world series poker championship. In fact, he was
both the only octopus to ever win the world series poker championship
*and* the only octopus in his class, so one could just as truthfully
say that young Vladimir was the first octopus in his class to
discover that boys have penises and girls have vaginas, though with
octopuses it’s a little bit different so that gem of information did
not end up serving him all that well in his adult life. Oh,
octopuses do reproduce sexually and the boys do make sperm and the
girls do make eggs but there is no such thing as, say, the missionary
position and young Vladimir never developed much worth wrapping a
latex condom around (though his tenticals were a useful in his middle
school health class when his teacher needed a non-threatening visual
aid to demonstrate to the children the proper way to apply the
contraceptive, but that is another story).

Young Vladimir showed a talent for poker when he was quite young. In
elementary school he slyly weaned his classmates off of go-fish and
old maid and had them playing five card draw during recess and after
school and sometimes on weekends. He got them hooked by loosing a
little bit at first, and every once in a while he’d play a weak hand
to keep them interested but in general he won the shirts off his
classmates’ backs (quite literally in the case of one Black Sabbath
concert T-shirt that Vladimir was quite taken with that his friend
Roule had found at the thrift store). By the end of the fifth grade
Vladimir had more trading cards and baseball caps than he knew what
to do with (a baseball cap being worth $10 in trading cards according
to a sophisticated rarity and popularity based algorithm and the
occasional fraudulent e-bay auction).

Early in middle school young Vladimir had started playing poker at
some of the clubs and bars downtown. He was young enough that he
didn’t particularly care for drink and as long as he didn’t actually
try to buy any alcohol the staffs would usually have no problem
letting hang out in their establishments. Besides, the legal
drinking age for octopuses hasn’t been determined yet in most states
and they thought that the novelty of a card playing octopus helped to
bring in more customers. They were probably right, but young
Vladimir would usually win so much of the new customers’ money that
they usually ended up without enough to cover their tabs. It didn’t
help that many would respond to loosing everything they had to a 12
year old octopus by drinking themselves into a stupor, usually ending
up in an ambulance on its way to the emergency room for alcohol
poisoning and never to set foot in the bar again.

When Vladimir turned 18 he decided he’d had enough of the small time
and entered himself in the world series poker championship. He did
have to sell one of his houses to come up with the buy-in (it’s like
$100,000 or something) but it was the smaller one and he was probably
going to get rid of it anyway (so hard to keep the hookers out). It
was probably the most boring world series poker championship ever
because young Vladimir won every game he played. By the time it got
around to the final tournament the only people who showed up were the
ones who had free drink tickets. Of course he won and he threw a big
party with the prize money but nobody showed up because everyone
thought he was a jerk.

By the time he was 20 young Vladimir had grown weary of playing
poker. He was quite bored with it all. No one on Earth, it seemed,
could present a challenge to his poker playing mastery. He turned to
a life of crime and spent the next few years as an international
jewel thief. He was quite good at that too and though he did make
some pretty hip friends in the international jewel thief scene soon
he was bored with that as well.

When young Vladimir turned 26 he got his GED and started applying to
college. He got into Brown and Harvard, but not into Yale because
they had a no octopuses policy (not a public one, of course).
Vladimir went to Brown and discovered Acid and he had to drop out
after a year because he was just tripping all the time and not doing
any of his school work but that was okay because young Vladimir had
acquired an astonishing fortune in his 27 years. He moved to San
Francisco and started wearing outfits laced with native american
beadwork and a day glo orange velvet vest and a big old foam cowboy
hat and he insisted that everyone call him “Captain Lovejoy” and he
ate a bunch of acid and smoked a bunch of pot and was basically
living the life when one day he was peeking on seventeen tabs of
sunshine acid and he was out in the city and he saw a small girl
wearing rags begging for food. She was clutching a white fluffy cat
which was quite obviously dead and probably riddled with toxoplasma
gondia and young Vladimir’s heart broke. He vowed to turn his life
around and to do acts of good for the world. He gave the girl $5 and
a sheet of acid and told her to run to her mommy and to get rid of
the dead cat and that if she was good that things were going to work
out but he knew it was a lie and as he was walking away he turned
back and saw the young girl get run over by a municipal bus. The bus
didn’t even stop.

Young Vladimir returned to the sea that night only to discover that
he was not an octopus at all, for he could not breath under water.
As the last of the oxygen was depleted from his bloodstream young
Vladimir thought about the girl and the bus and the cat and how sad
it all was. He was sorry for all the people he had made sad in his
life. He wondered if he was still tripping. When the bright lights
stopped flashing he found himself surrounded by other octopuses like
himself. He thought he was in Heaven but it turned out that they
were space aliens and they had come to take him back to the stars.
Young Vladimir told them about all the sorrow in the world and the
space octopuses said, “oh, yeah, that planet sucks, sorry you were
left there so long. We are going to blow it up now, want to watch?”
And young Vladimir did want to watch, but first, he convinced them
all to come to


“first hand at nine”

dangerhouse needs replacement dangerhousers. if interested email blake.

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