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Instant Replay Pokernight

To: poker-night
From: electroblake
Subject: Instant Replay Pokernight
Date: Thu, 19 Apr 2007 18:45:56 -0400

So it turns out that last week I accidentally only sent the
pokernight email to dangerhouse. And nobody said anything about it
until today. I know what this means. One of possibly four things:

1) nobody had the courage to suggest that I, infallible though I am,
had made such an error.
2) there wasn’t actually a pokenight last week.
3) all you all are spam filtered.
4) the 180 or so people on this list are all dead.

Because I *know* that each and every one of you looks forward to our
weekly installments of high drama and intellectual discourse, and
many of you must have been saddened by the lack of an email last week.

Therefore, I present to you, last week’s email:

Once upon a time, in a forest far far away, Billy the Bulldozer dozed
away in quiet, peaceful slumber. His transmission was rusty, his
gears full of grass. Samuel A. Squirrel had made his nest in the cab.

Billy the Bulldozer and Samuel A. Squirrel had been friends ever
since Billy had been abandoned by his deforestation crew seven years
ago. Before then Billy would spend his days knocking over trees and
flattening the land so that the developers could put in tract housing
for middle aged middle class office workers who liked the idea of
living near the forrest so that their fat ugly children could run
around shooting BB guns at the small woodland creatures. One day,
Samuel A. Squirrel hopped up into his cab while Billy’s driver was
out on his lunch break masturbating in a port-a-potty and said to
Billy the Bulldozer, “hey Mr. Evil Machine of Man, why must you clear
the forest so that me and my friends cannot live here any more?”

“Because that is what my driver wants,” replied Billy. Billy, at the
time, only cared about making his driver happy.

“But my friends and I like like the forest!” chirped Samuel A.
Squirrel. “We can’t live in the forest if all the trees are knocked
down and the fat ugly children of middle aged middle class office
workers relentlessly hunt us down with their Wal-Mart BB guns!”

Billy the Bulldozer thought about this for a while, and because he
was a not-too-bright bulldozer this took him a while, and Samuel A.
Squirrel thought that maybe Billy had decided to ignore him. Samuel
went out and chased some female squirrels around and ate a couple of
nuts and went into a couple of tract houses that had already been
built and chased around some of the fat ugly children who lived in
them and bit a couple of them and then gave a good impression of
foaming at the mouth in front of their mothers before running off
back to Billy the Bulldozer, who had finally finished thinking and
who said, “Well, gee, I’d never thought about it that way. What
should we do?”

Samuel A. Squirrel told Billy about the plan he and some of the other
demented small woodland creatures had come up with and it excited
Billy a great deal because it involved a lot of dozing of things that
were not trees, which Billy had grown tired of knocking over day in
and day out.

When Billy’s driver returned from masturbating in the port-a-potty
Billy gored him with his shovel and Samuel A. Squirrel laughed like a
maniac. Then they proceeded to bulldoze the entire suburb, women and
children and all. A few humans escaped, but this was acceptable, for
they would tell the other humans not to mess with motherfucking Billy
the Bulldozer and his small woodland posse.

In the seven years since that fateful day Billy the Bulldozer and
Samuel A. Squirrel had a lot of time to get to know each other. If
they had both been squirrels, and homosexual, they would have made a
great squirrel couple. But they were not, and so they did not, and
Billy eventually ran out of Diesel fuel and could no longer do his
dozing and so he simply rested and the forest reclaimed the land and
all the woodland creatures were happy.

For a while.

Just like you!

hey here’s a good trick: Use a $20 bill to buy your $2 charlie
ticket from the train station ticket vending robot. This will leave
you with 18 shiny one dollar coins! You can repeat this operation
for as many $20 bills that you have. Then, get on the train and come to

“first hand at nine”

You can use your shiny one dollar american coins to play the game of
poker. They are just as good as quarters, but better. Are four
times as good.

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