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Great Poker Night in the Sky

To: poker-night
From: electroblake
Subject: Great Poker Night in the Sky
Date: Thu, 25 Jan 2007 19:41:54 -0500

There I was, minding my own damn business, on the downtown bus on my
way to see my lady friend, when all the sudden this big fat guy
starts giving me grief because he doesn’t have enough seat to fit his
entire fat ass on. Mind you, I’m not even sharing a seat with this
fellow, I’m not even sitting down! This poor old crippled lady with
one of those cheap metal canes is sitting down next to him. Rather
squished into the side of the bus, she is, and looking real
uncomfortable. So this fat guy keeps going on and on about how the
public transportation system needs to wake up to the fact that in ten
years all the poor slops who can’t afford to buy cars are also going
to be fat and ugly just like him and he’s slobbering and waving his
arms around and I think he was farting a lot too and I swear he
almost suffocated this poor old crippled grandma who was probably
leaving her house for the first time in twenty years to go visit her
only grandchild who is dying from leukemia or something and so
finally I say, “hey, why don’t you just be quiet and stop squishing
this poor old lady? You know, it would probably do you a lot of good
to stand, exercise those leg muscles a little bit, hell, maybe you
ought to consider getting off the bus and walking. I mean, look at
you! You’re like one of those manatees except somehow dressed in
human clothing and in possession of an opposable thumb.” I
considered saying, “oh, the hugh manatee!” but I decided that I
wasn’t sure it was actually funny. So anyway, fatso gets all red in
the face and little flecks of spittle start to fly out of his mouth
as his lips attempt to coordinate themselves into forming the proper
shapes to form the sounds of human language but only manage the pfft
pfft sounds that come from leaking tires and probably some tropical
lizards. Just then these other dudes, all dressed in black and
wearing face masks that somehow no one had noticed before and start
kicking the shit out of everyone on the bus. I’m like, oh my god,
these guys are mutherfucking ninja fuckers and they want to take over
the downtown bus. Like hell if I was going to let that happen, so I
get out my magic stopwatch and press down on the pause button.
Everything freezes. I have plenty of time to disarm all of the
ninjas and use their face masks, which are actually just lengths of
black cloth with eye holes cut out of them, to tie their hands behind
their backs. I sit them all in the back seat of the bus, which is
one of these giant slabs of foam rubber upholstered in the cheapest
fake leather municipal money can buy, and I go ahead and use my
powers of teleportation to teleport fatty to the same seat right in
the middle of all of them and then I remove fatty’s pants and put
them in the main ninja’s hands, which I untie and tie his feat
together instead. I figure that ought to do it, but by then I’m
feeling rather peckish and don’t really care what happens when I
unstop time because this is all a simulation anyway and so I teleport
myself a million years into the future and order a brontosaurus
burger from a robot at McDonald’s.

I do think “oh, the hugh manatee” is funny. Especially if there
happens to be a particularly large, cow like cetacean floating around
near by.

I could of course telelport myself back to New York City in the late
nineties on a calm spring day and create a 50 foot manatee and make
it float in the sky and put it on a collision course with the Empire
State Building and then find some cute hottie in a red dress with a
decent rack and winning smile and nudge her with my elbow to get her
attention and then point at the manatee and say, “oh, the huge
manatee” and we would laugh and laugh and laugh on in to the night
and maybe get some drinks and maybe dinner and then ten years later
we could have a delightful little family and I could yell at Junior
for steeling little girls’ underpants and she could win all these
awards for being the best cook in North America and when she’s not
modeling bikini’s for secret rich person only fashion magazines we’d
put the children into their cryogenic chambers and go on crazy space
adventures and battle the evil alien robots from beyond dimension X.

Of course I could.

But it gets so old after a while.

So I think to myself, you know what would be fun and different? I
think, wouldn’t it be interesting to create a world where there’s
this house that has this event every week for three or four years?

Well, maybe it would be.

Why not find out?

Pokernight!
tonight
spaceship dangerhouse.

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