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Pokernight your path to financial freedom

To: poker-night
From: blake
Subject: Pokernight your path to financial freedom
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 09:13:23 -0400

Once upon a time, there lived a magic duckling named Teddy.  Teddy was
magic because though he was but a young duckling, and a boy, he could
lay eggs of pure gold.  If he wanted.  He could also lay eggs of pure
dookie.  His favourite was eggs of pure ants.  It was always a blast to
stick an egg of pure ants in a mother duck’s brood, just as the
ducklings were starting to hatch.  All the adorable baby duckings would
peck their way free and just the egg of pure ants would be left and the
mommy duck would sort of poke at it and then it would crack and a
thousand ants would come spilling out, covering the duckings in a sea
of living blackness and making them cry.  Usually that would be the
worst that happened.  As soon as the mommy duck realized that the egg
of pure ants didn’t contain a duckling she’d start pecking away at the
ants, picking them off her babies one by one.  A few ants would escape,
and there were always a few found several days later, squashed and
hidden in the usual places.  Teddy thought it was the best gag in his

One spring morning, Teddy felt like his old egg of pure ants trick was
getting a bit tired, and decided to spice it up a bit.  Instead of the
regular old harmless black ants, he laid an egg of pure carnivorous red
mutant ants.  Stifling the giggles he gently nudged an expecting mother
duck off of her brood of eggs and stuck the egg of pure carnivorous red
mutant ants right in the middle and ran off to hide in the bushes,
giggling uncontrollably.  The mother duck woke up, finding herself
laying on the ground beside her nest and made a vow to quit drinking so
much.  She inspected her eggs and tried to count them, but there were
more than four of them and she ran out of limbs to count on so she
shrugged and gave up.  She hadn’t known how many there were in the
first place, so there wasn’t really much point in counting anyway.

Around lunchtime, while Teddy was swimming about the pond hunting for
little fishies to gobble up a great commotion arose from the general
vicinity of the barnyard.  He raced over to see what was going on and
arrived just in time to see the skeleton of the mommy duck topple over
into a pile of smaller bones and eggshell.  Everything was covered in
red mutant ants.  The rest of the barnyard animals watched in horror as
the red mutant ants consumed everything in their path, growing ever
larger as they ate.  A few of the chickens, not being terribly bright,
rushed in as soon as the screaming had stopped and began pecking at the
ants, thinking they would make quite a tasty lunch.  Within thirty
seconds they were all covered in ants and running around hysterically,
flapping their wings about and throwing the ants off themselves and
onto the other animals, which in turn began running around
hysterically, trying to shake the carnivorous insects off of
themselves.  As the population of the farm was slowly consumed by ants,
Teddy had an idea.  He laid an egg of pure aardvark and threw it into
the barnyard.  When it broke, the tiny, egg sized aardvark slothed out
and began to eat the ants at a leisurely pace.  Teddy laid three more
eggs of pure aardvark.  Each tiny aardvark managed to eat three or four
ants before itself being consumed by the terrible mutants.  Soon Teddy
was the only animal left standing, having been standing back from the
action laying eggs of pure aardvark as fast as he could.

The barnyard lay in ruin, a wasteland of crumpled animal skeletons and
red mutant ants of now epic stature.  Each ant was the size of a third
trimester fetus.  And then, farmer John appeared on the scene.  With a
pitchfork in one hand and a half empty fifth of bourbon in the other,
dressed casually in overalls and a straw hat, farmer John began cursing
up a storm.  “What the fuck is up with these freaking giant ants!?”  He
yelled at no one in particular.  “Linda Sue, Billy Joe, Hank Williams,
Freddy Mercury, Suzy May, Billy Sue Bob, get out here, and bring the
Raid!” he yelled to his wife and five children.

“Pa!  Mom, Billy Joe, Hank Williams, Suzy May, and Billy Sue Bob all
done got et up by them giant mutant ants!”  cried young Freddy Mercury,
clutching the ribcage of one of his dearly departed siblings.  Farmer
John turned to his only remaining child as tears welled up in his eyes
just in time to see half a dozen giant ants crawling up the boys leg.
With his mighty pitchfork he dispatched the ants with dexterity
which defied his early morning drinking habit, but it was a loosing
battle.  The ants were everywhere.  Hundreds of them coming in from all
directions.  Farmer John couldn’t fight them all off, and soon he and
his son were both dead.  A couple of fresh piles of bone in a barnyard
devoid of non mutant life.

Teddy by this time had run off.  He’d run for the city, he decided.
Put all this behind him.  Maybe get a job in a coffee shop.  A nice
apartment.  Nothing fancy.  One day, if he worked hard, he’d make
manager.  He’d be fine.  And he would never tell a living soul about
what had happened this fateful afternoon.

Twelve years later, at the Starbucks Teddy managed during morning
shifts, a storm of giant carnivorous red mutant ants stormed in and
devoured every living creature in sight.  Just before Teddy passed
away, he laid an egg of pure


DangerHouse is XX XXXXXXXXX XX. #X in ant infested Somerville, MA

Magic ducklings are encouraged to bring eggs of pure gin, vodka, and of
course, beer.

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