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Regular Old Poker Night Tonight!

Date: Thu, 2 Oct 2003 11:49:38 -0400
Subject: Regular Old Poker Night Tonight!
From: blake
To: Poker-night

Tonight’s poker night promises to be completely ordinary.

This is Blake. There will be nothing unusual about tonight’s poker
night. Bring all your earthling quarters and ethanol. There is nothing
unusual about this poker night. Repeat. Nothing unusual. Blake has not
been abducted by aliens and replaced with a Blake impersonator who will
eat all your juicy human brains at the poker table tonight. Repeat.
There is nothing unusual about tonight’s poker night. Arrive at nine
and bring your plump and savory friends.

. . . That was creepy.  I could have sworn I was taking a shower, not
writing the Poker Night email.   This can only mean one of two things:
Our time machine is acting up again, or our house guest is acting up
again.  Possibly both.

Anyway, I realize very few of you people read these things anymore.
Oh, no, you only have time to read the very best in new fiction, like
that new Tom Clancy hardcover.  Ooh, I hear that’s a good one.  _The
Teeth of the Tiger_, with a title like that you know it’s got to have
some pretty good hardcore action.  That’s all you people care about,
isn’t it?  I conducted a little survey last week to find out what I
could do with the Poker Night email to serve you (the “customer”)
better.  Check out some of the most popular answers to the survey
questions:

1)  What qualities of the first paragraph of a Poker Night email will
make you read the entire message?

(57%) Instances of the words/phrases “dildo,” “fetus,” and “Geeta
D.”
(29%) It depends entirely on how drunk I am and/or if I’m at work.
(14%) I never read the Poker Night email.

2)  How do you generally feel after reading a Poker Night email from
beginning to end?

(62%) Confused about principals of quantum physics/nauseous.
(14%) I never read the Poker Night email.
(10%) Pregnant.
(8%)  Relaxed/Amused.
(6%)  As if I had not just wasted some arbitrary amount of time between
ten minutes to two hours.

3)  What are some issues you would like to see addressed in the Poker
Night email?

(57%)  Dildos, Fetuses and the Geeta D. connection.
(42%)  What did I do with my pants?
(1%)  Israel and Palestine.

4)  What do you think of self-referencing humor, such as the “I can’t
think of anything to write” story, or the “I know this totally sucks”
stand up comedy routine?

(93%)  If it’s Tom Clancy, it’s got to be good.
(7%)  That’s the only kind of humor I know how to write, therefore it
must be pretty funny/I write for Voo Doo.

So, based on these answers, I offer you the ultimate Poker Night email:

Once upon a time Tom Clancy and Geeta D. had a fetus.  But then,
Geeta D. discovered a dildo in Tom Clancy.  She became confused
about principals of quantum physics/nauseous.  Then Tom Clancy went and
wrote a book.  It was called, _What Did I Do with My Pants_ by Tom
Clancy.  Then Geeta D. saved the day.

Also, Tonight is Poker Night!

Poker Night!
DangerHaus!
“first hand at nine!”
Bring your cute liquids and your consumable friends!

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