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A New Era of Peace and Prosperity Poker Night

Date: Thu, 11 Sep 2003 15:16:26 -0400
Subject: A New Era of Peace and Prosperity Poker Night
From: blake
To: poker-night

Dear Friends,

For the past few hours I have been receiving a barrage of concerned
email messages and telephone calls from citizens who are deeply worried
about the fact that today is the anniversary of that time those
airplanes flew themselves into those tall buildings.

“Will it happen again?” they ask.

“Are we all going to die?” they ponder.

“Is it worth the risk to order whipped cream chargers on-line?” they
wonder.

To all of these questions, and more, we offer the DangerHaus guide to
the near future, including today and possibly tomorrow morning:

Thanks to the nearly patented DangerHaus Machine Which Tells the Future
and the patent pending DangerHaus Machine Which Can Transport a Person
Backwards or Forwards in Time Almost Five Minutes Per Instance of Time
Travel Electro-Temporal Shock Machine, we here at the DangerHaus
Temporal Laboratories have been able to acquire a coveted One Day Early
subscription to the Boston Herald.  We tried to get the New York Times,
but it seems that the Times’ corporate office has been taken over by
Special Monkey Forces dedicated to the destruction of the Savage Mole.
While we at DangerHaus honestly do not have any sort of business or
personal relationship with the Savage Mole, we found this reasoning to
be faulty, but apparently, that bastard mole has been spreading all
kinds of rumors about DangerHaus about the New York Metropolitan Area.
Just try to go to any hip Indian food eatery and try to order the
“Dangerous Chicken” without first discovering that you’ve been turned
into some kind of horrible zombie.  Chances are, several DangerHaus
operatives will simultaneously spawn forth from your wrinkly brow.

But I’m getting off topic.  No, my friends, it would seem that the day
will mostly go off without a hitch.  Quite boring, actually, a couple
of parades, some gay people getting married, you know, standard fare.
Really the most interesting news is the Great Catholic Exodus, as it
seems they are going to call it.  Rather one of those stop the presses
news items, so it didn’t even get a picture.  Seems at midnight tonight
all the Catholic churches in the Boston area, full of their most
devoted, what do you call them?  Fans?  Subscribers?  Whatever, so the
churches, it seems, and I’m doing my best here with an extremely poorly
written article.  (Check out this quote:  “I saw with my own eyes that
the bishop seems to have always been one of them aliens what with he
was just wearing a mask or something.  Another eye witness thinks that
Democrats are responsible, and that this would never have happened if
it weren’t what for the gay people being given the vote.”)  One thing
is clear, the churches won’t be there tomorrow morning.  The article
claims that “the angels what are God’s servants to do his bidding then
flew out of the sky what is heaven and lifted the churches off of the
ground what is God’s creation and brought them back into the sky what
is heaven.”  I guess this means that the churches are going to be
abducted by pesky aliens.  I didn’t realize the aliens had the ability
to abduct entire buildings now, but I guess they’ve been making quite a
profit selling our genome on the black space-market.  Plus, we all know
how quickly a space program can get out of control–I still can’t
believe we spent all that time building that space ship just so we
could play golf on the moon.  I don’t even like golf.

I don’t know, this piece of news only seems important if you’re Catholic.
Or an alien.  Or both.  So a bunch of churches were taken into space
by pesky aliens.  We all know what to expect from aliens by now.  I
think they’ll get along just fine.

So yes, the third annual Day Which Has No Good Name (my favourite is
“Throw Things at America Day”) will pass without much of a hitch.  But
what about the more distant future, you ask?  Well, I’ve been keeping
track of all of the reports of kittens being abducted by aliens for the
past seven years, and I think there is a pretty clear trend.  If
current kitten birth rates remain the same, by the year 2019 we can
expect all kittens to have been removed from the planet.  This will
coincide nicely with the introduction of the Robo-Kitten from
DangerRobots in the year 2014, with built in alien seeking dander and a
4″ LCD display so you can check your email on the go.  Unfortunately we
have not yet been able to determine exactly what it is the aliens what
with the kittens.  Every time our DangerHaus ambassador to the aliens
starts asking questions about kittens the aliens poor him another drink
and the finest columbian powder you can buy (DEA agents don’t even get
it this good).  Then he usually ends up staying up for days without
sleep, drinking and snorting his way through marathon Pokemon viewing
sessions in the Flying Saucer Control Center.  I suspect they probably
just eat them.

Aside from the whole kitten-alien conspiracy, I predict a new era of
peace and prosperity for DangerHaus and its tributaries.  Recent
studies have shown that producing your own drugs, either in the lab, or
using sophisticated indoor hydroponics, can be both fun and profitable.
And our genetic engineering lab has recently produced what has been
called the “holy grail of street drugs.”  Imagine the smooth flavour
and draw of the marijuana, with all the mellow and hallucinations
you’ve come to expect from the nation’s favourite drug, but with the
incredible addictive properties of heroine!  The kids won’t be able to
stop smoking it!  Full production later this year.

So stop worrying your pretty little head and come on over to:

POKER NIGHT!
TONIGHT!                    “first hand at nine”
DANGERHAUS!

Bring liquor and beer, ’cause this ship don’t run on love.

XX XXXXXXXXX XX. #X
Somerville, MA  02144

For the kids:

Take the Red Line to Davis.
Walk down XXXXXXX XXX.  You may pass churches.  Be careful.
Watch out for angry ogre.  Flash him the peace sign before he gets up
to start talking to you.  If he is already up and confronts you, tell
him, “I know what you’ve been doing, Mike, and God is very angry with
you.”  I don’t know if that will get him to stop talking or not, but I
think the idea of you saying that to him is funnier than a bear in hot
pants.
You’ll arrive at a rotary.  You want to end up on XXXXXX XX.  Sometimes
the rotary has the ability to use confusion on its enemies.  Do not
make it angry.  You may want to bring a trespass offering.  Place the
offering on the alter in the little park thing in the center of the
rotary.
XXXXXXXXX XX. is the very first left on XXXXXX XX. after you get out of
the rotary.  XX is just past the local minimum in vertical road
curvature.  Just come in.  If you find the house is empty, make
yourself at home.  Rummage through the fridge, get yourself something
to drink.  When the neighbors ask you what you are doing in their
house, just say your a Freshman at Tufts and you thought this was the
Ro Upsilon Tau house.  They get that all the time.

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