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Mass Suicide Poker — Again?

Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2003 17:32:33 -0400
Subject: Mass Suicide Poker — Again?
From: blake
To: poker-night

Dear Friends,

As I stumbled about the kitchen this afternoon trying to put together a
pot of strong coffee to help me clear my blurry vision, I noticed that
somehow the DangerHaus calendar has written upon it on the little
square designating this very day, “Mass Suicide Poker.”

I’m not quite sure how this happened.  I don’t remember approving any
of the necessary paperwork.  I don’t believe there was any sort of
board meeting to decide such a thing.  I find it very unlikely that God
Itself possessed some true belier with access to a sharpie and our
calendar to declare such a thing.  God usually leaves a rather slimy
residue on the walls when he’s been messing around with the true
believers, and I’m pretty sure nobody’s been cleaning.

What is particularly strange is that we just had a Mass Suicide Poker
Night, not six months ago.  Perhaps one of the board members
misunderstood that the rest of us felt it would be silly to hold a mass
suicide more than once every year, and especially silly to hold a mass
suicide event in the middle of the summer.  In the winter it makes a
lot more sense.  A medium sized human adult body fits perfectly into
the “tall kitchen” trash bags the garbage man is used to picking up
from our curb every Monday.  Well, let’s say, with a few modifications
the body fits quite snugly.  So body disposal in the winter is a snap,
you simply bag all your corpses at the end of the night and stash them
in the back yard where the frozen air will keep them from rotting and
smelling up the place.  They become quite stiff by morning and stay
that way until the end of winter.  Every Sunday night you simply drag a
few of them out to the curb to be collected and nobody is the wiser.
Now, in the summer, you can see that this scheme would not work at all.
The garbage men tend to get suspicious about bloody smelly bags of
garbage, and the neighborhood squirrels are a bit too anxious for the
taste of human flesh.

I wish I could cancel this Mass Suicide Poker, but how can I go against
the calendar?  What happens, in a hundred or two hundred years, when
the historians are writing the chapter about DangerHaus in the school
children’s textbooks, and they ask me about this Mass Suicide Poker our
calendar says we had on August the 14th, 2003.  I can’t very well tell
them, “oh no, that never happened, that was just some chucklehead with
a sharpie trying to make fun.”  No, no, my friends, I’m afraid that if
a good portion of you survive the night, the name of DangerHaus will
forever be shamed.  So bring your ritual killing knives, your white
Nikes, and your cyanide pills.  Bring your nooses, your shotguns, and
your brainwave pattern disruptors.  I’m afraid that on such short
notice all that we can provide is alcohol and NyQuill, and of course
the shark tank in the basement.

Also, since you won’t be needing it anymore, bring whatever cash and
alcohol you have access to.  If you have any virgins you won’t be
using, bring them too.

Mass Suicide Poker II:

“first hand at 9:00!”


DangerHaus is #XX XXXXXXXXX XX. #X.  Somerville, MA  02144

As ever, I’m finding new and cheaper ways for all you DangerFans to get
your asses over here:  Now for you kids on WestCampus:  Take the #X bus
to Harvard Sq.  When you pay the Bus slave the seventy five cents, ask
him for a “transfer.”  He will give you a slip of paper, it will look
like an extremely cheap book mark and it will have today’s date on it.
When you get to Harvard Square, go into the station and into the first
level Bus Thing and find the place where the #XX bus will pick you up.
When the bus arrives, show the Bus slave your “transfer” in lieu of
dropping another seventy five cents.  Take the #XX bus all the way to
the XXXXXXXXXX Roundabout.  Then XXXXXX XX, then XXXXXXXXX XX.

The inverse of this route will also work.  And you can catch the last
#XX at the XXXXXXXXXX roundabout heading to Harvard at 12:48 and make
it to Harvard in plenty of time to catch the last #X at 1:10.  But most
of you won’t be needing to go home, now will you?

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