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Poker Night Tonight

Date: Thu, 12 Jun 2003 16:44:36 -0400
Subject: Poker Night Tonight
From: blake
To: poker-night
Hello again, friends.  It’s that time of the week.  Time to come and
play a rousing game of cards at DangerHaus, to give alcohol to
DangerHaus, and to loose your money to DangerHaus.

Well, it’s been quite a week at DangerHaus.  We did manage to find
Fluffy, our biggest Giant Robot, thanks to the help of some random
drunk who showed up at PokerNight last week.  He pointed out that
Fluffy had gotten himself stuck in the tree in our back yard.  We
figure that’s as good of a place as any to keep him until we need him
again so he’s still out there.  There is this squirrel that has been
coming into my room at night recently.  Sometimes I wake up in the
middle of the night and find him reorganizing my CDs or putting curlers
in my hair.  Fucking squirrel, I hate him so much.  I’ve tried setting
traps, but he always manages to get the coke without getting his head
chopped off.  I don’t know how, unless he’s one of those telekinetic
squirrels that Gonda has been working on in the secret biology lab in
the basement.  Anyway, while Fluffy’s up there in that tree he’s been
keeping guard and the squirrel hasn’t been bothering me as much.
Though when I woke up this afternoon my hair was full of curlers.

The festival of funny hats known as the commencement exercise was this
week, and three of your favourite DangerHaus residents participated.
The stack of diplomas has more than doubled, and as a result we keep on
getting these CEOs and VPs in charge of hiring knocking on the door,
every day, all day.  They’re almost as bad as that fucking squirrel.
Many of them have been taking care of our policy of forgetting to lock
the front door.  For example, after I stumbled out of bed this
afternoon and straightened out my hair with a healthy dose of peroxide
I made my way downstairs to fix myself some coffee only to find half a
dozen men in suits and ties helping themselves to our beer and
cigarettes, fighting over who had the best job offer.  MegaTech wanted
to pay $75K a year with free sushi on Wednesdays and the kind of health
insurance policy that makes heavy amphetamine use seem like a pretty
safe pass time.  UltraCorp offered a slightly smaller salary, but
unlimited use of the UltraCorp fleet of invisible helicopters.  A
rousing fist fight broke out when I pointed out that DangerHaus already
had it’s own fleet of invisible helicopters, as all the other CEOs and
VPs started laughing and making unfounded assertions about the
UltraCorp CEO’s mother.  I let them duke it out, spiked my coffee with
a healthy dose of whiskey, then went to check my email.

This sort of thing has been happening pretty much every morning since
graduation.  And you know what the funny thing is?  These fucking
businessmen, with their big salaries and rampant alcoholism never thing
to bring along a bit of the good stuff when they make these unsolicited
house calls.  I wouldn’t mind waking up to find a 40 year old executive
in a $500 suite swimming in his own sick in my bathtub when I go to
take a shower half as much if I didn’t know that he’d probably drank
about half a bottle of our good gin getting that way.  It’s enough to
make me reconsider the DangerHouse doorbell modification plan proposed
by one of our associate rocket scientists.  If, in the near future, any
of you happen to notice a shiny new metal door mat with a big wire
coming out of it outside the entrance to DangerHouse, and a strange
metallic quality to the doorbell please don’t ring the bell.  I’ve
discussed the plan with the local hospital and they’re all for it as
long as all of the victims are substantially insured against “acts of
god” like lightning when there isn’t a cloud in the sky, but for the
rest of us it’s old fashioned resuscitation:  ice cold vodka and
repeated slapping.

Which brings us back to the main point of this email:  PokerNight is
tonight!

Let’s say that again, but in a neat and formated way:

PokerNight
Tonight!
*at*
DagnerHaus!

“first hand at nine since 2001”

Bring liquor, bring beer, bring your cute friends.

*************ALSO!************

This Saturday!

Join your favourite DangerHaus Celebrities for the Greatest Graduation
Party of All Time!  Some of you may remember the Inevitable Plastic
Explosive party, but judging by the massive number of near lifeless
bodies we had to dump in the hospital’s parking lot the next morning
most of you probably only vaguely recollect the apocalyptic event.
Needless to say, it was the best party any of you had ever had the good
fortune to be invited to, and this party is going to be even better!
“How could that be?!” you exclaim with a wondrous fear creeping into
you voice.  Well, my friends, during these past few months the
DangerHaus labs have been been pooling their efforts in a project code
named “DangerProject Make Winter Go Away.”  Maybe you’ve noticed a
marked lack of snow recently, perhaps you have been one the adventurous
few to leave your coat at home and wander through the park in a dazed
confusion while wild ducks copulate before your innocent dilated eyes.
Yes, thanks to DangerProject Make Winter Go Away DangerHaus Labs have
managed to cause the axis of this planet to tilt in such a way that our
hemisphere now receives more energy every day from the glowing orb in
the sky leading to a phenomenon we call “summer.”  So what does this
have to do with the Greatest Graduation Party of All Time?  Ah, my
feeble followers, you see DangerHaus is more than just two thirds of a
depression era residential construction.  DangerHaus is also a Back
Yard!  In addition to the fully stocked bar you’ve come to expect at
DangerHaus parties, there will be an additional auxiliary bar in the
back yard, plus music, dancing, drunken monkey knife fights, and hot
lesbians making out in the corner.

Saturday.  10:00PM.  DangerHaus.

This party will be funded partially with a grant from Geeta D. and
the Geeta D. Punk Rock Explosion.

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