Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 15:35:54 -0500
Subject: You are Invited to our Mass Suicide!
Has the world got you down?
Do the kids at school make fun of you?
Do you worry that your thighs, ass, or stomach is too fat?
Do you feel like no matter how many protests you go to, nobody is
Well, friends, the dangerous Suicidicalogical Society has the answer to
all of your problems! Why suffer through another ten, twenty, up to
eighty years of suffering when you could end it all RIGHT NOW!?
“How?!” you ask? Our research indicates that many of you fall into a
set of society we term “self destructive.” Quite simply, this means
that during most of your waking hours you really are trying to kill
yourselves, but you’re going about it in entirely the wrong way!
Friends, chain smoking and heavy drinking can take up to fifty years to
do the job! Recent studies by Real Scientists have shown that eating
foods with high fat contents can even EXTEND your lives! Stop messing
around with these ineffective methods and let the DangerHaus
Suicidicalogical Society help! Our new line of products will help you
put an end to your suffering quickly, painlessly and stylishly!
For the misunderstood and lonely ravers out there, we are proud to
announce our new “Last Rave Ever” package. This package contains a
revolutionary Extacy pill laced with time release capulets of super
powerful potassium cyanide! We guarantee you will have one of the
finest rolls you have ever experienced, and just when you start to come
down off of your peak the cyanide kicks in. You’ll still feel great,
just tired and weak. You will have enough time to make it to the chill
room before you loose consciousness. Don’t worry about drawing
attention to yourself by screaming, because you’ll have been sucking on
a Novocain enriched candy pacifier all night and your mouth will be too
numb to make a sound! When the morning comes around and they find your
cold, hard corpse you’ll want more than just an ordinary suicide note
to communicate to them the pain and misery you have been suffering,
which is exactly why we offer with this package the exciting new
Suicide Note LED wand! You can have it flash your suicide note all
night long and wear it around your neck like a glow stick and no one
will be the wiser because in order to read the message one has to whip
the wand back and forth in a rapid manner (the Suicide Note LED wand is
For the aspiring cultists we offer the Heaven’s Gate Absentee package.
This package includes one pair of white Nikes, one black flight suit,
one single serve Jell-O pudding pack laced with rat poison, and a
mini-bottle of Smirnoff to wash it all down. You’ll want to check out
“http://www.spaceweather.com/” to help you plan your final exit. Find
something special in the sky. You should feel comfortable with the
idea that the people who find you will think you believed this
celestial phenomenon would deliver you to salvation. Try picking
something that actually travels around, like a comet or a Chinese space
cruiser. SPECIAL: If you send us information about the celestial
event you have chosen and an extra five dollars with your order we will
specially prepare you a website of your very own comparable to the
famous Heaven’s Gate website!
For the angry loners and political activists out there, we offer the
Suicide Bomber package. Now, we at the DangerHaus Suicidicalogical
Society want to help you take your own life, not the lives of others,
so this packages included two life sized manikins specially designed to
react to explosions in much the same way the human body does. Also
included is the stylish explosive vest made from a “The North Face”
down vest with the feathers all pulled out and replaced with plastic
explosive! You’re friends (if you have any) won’t be able to tell the
difference! We suggest you try to come up with a narrative to explain
your explosive death. Perhaps one of the manikins could be your lover,
and the other your worst enemy from High School, and you have just
found them making love in your bed! Try dressing one of them up as
Saddam Hussein and the other as George Bush, set them up in your
breakfast nook with half eaten plates of eggs and bacon in front of
them. Does your suicide narrative involve more than just two other
people? No problem! Extra manikins are available separately!
We will be showcasing all of these products, plus our classics (The
Black Velvet Noose, The Crazy Blender, The Electric Ducky, and more!)
at tonight’s DangerHaus Suicidicalogical Society Mass Suicide! We will
be offering discount prices, door prizes, and free demonstrations! See
compelling installations such as the Attic of Death, entertaining one
act plays by the Exploding Theater Company, and live music by “I Hate
My Life and I Want to Die Right Now and the I Hate My Life and I Want
to Die Right Now Band!” It all starts tonight at Nine O’Clock at
(where else?) DangerHaus!
“First Hand at Nine”
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