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In Response to the Impending Ban on “Partial Birth” Abortion

Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2003 15:25:47 -0500
Subject: In Response to the Impending Ban on “Partial Birth” Abortion
From: blake
To: poker-night

The Senate has voted today to ban the procedure known as “Partial Birth
Abortion.”  It is likely the House will pass the ban as well, and
President Bush has said that he is eager to “ban anything that has to
do with women.”

The procedure is generally used only when the woman is physically
unable to continue to carry the baby and any other procedure would be
too dangerous.

In response to the impending ban on Partial Birth Abortion, we here at
the DangerHaus Laboratory for Cloning and Abortion Sciences (when you
do the one, you end up doing the other quite a lot) have developed a
revolutionary new procedure!

The procedure, to be known as “Full Birth Abortion” is revolutionary
because it preserves the life of the fetus while safely removing it
from the womb of the endangered woman.  Instead of removing the brain
of the fetus and crushing the soft skull this procedure takes advantage
of the fact that the fetuses skull is still quite soft and malleable.
A device we call the “Head Pincher” is inserted into the womb and a net
of carefully tensioned wires is wrapped around the head of the fetus.
By manipulating the electromagnetic field inside the fetuses head we
can cause a softening agent with unique magnetic properties to be
absorbed through the skin and to soak into the skull.  After
approximately three hours the skull becomes not unlike a very thick
condom, it is capable of stretching and squishing without cracking or
otherwise cause fetal brain leakage.  At this point the tensions on the
wires of the “Head Pincher”  are manipulated to form the head of the
fetus into the shape of a standard sized dildo.  The fetus is then
pulled out by this improved, more areodynamic fetal head.

Once the living fetus has been removed from the womb it ceases to be a
fetus and magically turns into a child.  Since the new child is up to
four months premature it will spend the first several months of its
beautiful new life inside a glass cage connected to a hundred thousand
dollars worth of machines that ensure that its little heart continue to
pump no matter how much the child may wish to die.  Because the skull
softening procedure is non-reversible it is important to secure the
head of the child to prevent it from potentially dangerous movement.
It is recommended that the child’s head remained secured in this
fashion for the first sixteen years, at which point its head will be
more or less as big as it is going to get and can be fitted with a
custom made helmet which must be grafted onto the skin of the child’s

The Dangerhaus Laboratory for Cloning and Abortion Science is proud to
announce that we will be giving a first time ever public demonstration
of this amazing new procedure Tonight, at Nine O’clock, in the
DangerHaus Abortion Chamber.  Bring your hot friends, and bring beer.

“First Hand at Nine”

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