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Magic Poker Shoes Make You Look 3 Inches Smarter!

To: poker-night
From: electroblake
Subject: Magic Poker Shoes Make You Look 3 Inches Smarter!
Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2006 18:48:30 -0400

Deep within the sacred caves of magic poker land there lives a
fearsome and mighty bear with fur as white as the heart of a freshly
fallen sun.  The bear is albino, has never seen the light, his eyes
would be bright red but for the fact that he has no eyes at all.  In
fact, really, his fur is not so much soft and hair like as it is
smooth, sort of like neoprene, with oil on it so it’s a little bit
slick, like olive oil or some other gourmet cooking oil (not
canola).  And he’s not so much fearsome as he is rather peculiar,
especially to those who still believe in the “science” of taxonomy.
And that’s really just because the scientists involved with the
discover of this fearsome and mighty albino bear can’t quite decide
if it’s more a salamander or newt.  In any case, almost certainly
amphibian.

Rather small, too.  To us, at least.  I’m assuming all my readers are
of standard human form, approximately two meters by half a meter by a
quarter meter.  I apologize to the freaks out there who might be of
the stature that they could consider an animal that can fit
comfortable inside of an empty can of PBR to be “mighty”.  Also, it’s
cold blooded.  And none too fast.  No sharp teeth.  No claws.
Uncanny telepathic ability, though.  You’d have to have one, really,
if you were one of these things.  How else are you going to get
anything done?  I mean, come on, grocery lists?  How the heck are you
going to read a grocery list at the bottom of a god forsaken cave in
the middle of magic poker land?  Ok, ok, I know what you’re going to
say, “LED flashlight”, but imagine if you can a world where the diode
which emits light has not been discovered.  A land where it is
unlikely that such a thing will ever be developed because the
inhabitants of the cave have no means of perceiving light.  It would
just be a diode with a rather large voltage drop that happens to
dissipate energy in the electromagnetic spectrum.  They’d probably
just start to worry about cancer long before they bothered to develop
eyeballs.

So anyway, this newt/bear spends most of it’s time sitting around
waiting for even smaller, meeker, just as blind animals to come
around so that it can eat them.  Story of our lives, don’t you think?

And then, one day, for unknown reasons, the Earth becomes extremely
radioactive (the earth is more radioactive today than it was
yesterday) and all the mamas decide that maybe they should have let
their sons grow up to be cowboys after all.

The Mighty Bear of the Sacred Caves of Poker Land commands you:

Come to Poker Night.
Tonight!
at
the
house
of
danger
aka dangerhouse.
“because it’s fun!”

first hand at nine
or maybe ten.

be kind.
rewind.
or bring beer.

be kind
bring beer.

there we go.

or hard liquor.

or hard drugs.

or hard women.

or soft women.
or the soft boys
or soft cell
or a splinter cell
or splinter
from the teenage mutant ninja turtles.
fucking rat.

or the collected works of Gnarls Barkley.
nevermind.  go go iTunes!

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